Day 93 and 94: Leaving Cambodia and Arriving in Kuala Lumpur

Day 93

We're all proactive this morning and go have a swim before breakfast. It's a weird pool as it's literally as big as the floor plan of the building so you can't really walk around it but it's cool and big enough to swim in. Ben pretends to be a water horse for a bit (see picture below) but doesn't work that well and we just splash water everywhere. Breakfast is noodles and tofu which fills me up and gives us the brain power to finally work out what we are going to be doing for the next few weeks...Borneo!!

We are going to arrive in Kuala Lumpar, stay for a few days then grab a flight to Sandakan to explore the Malaysian side of Borneo island, we can't wait! Our flight to KL isn't till late this afternoon but airports aren't too bad places to wait and we grab a tuk tuk and make our way through the chaotic city of Phnom Penh. It feels strange leaving Cambodia, it's been a place of really horrible times but also down right beautiful ones.

In the airport, we get collared by a over friendly South African lady who really chatty but a tiny bit overwhelming. We though we lost her when we check in but she appears next to us and I'm glad it's only an hour wait till take off. It's our first flight with Air Asia and despite the roughest take off I've ever experienced, I'm impressed. They are quick, friendly and they play Taylor Swift whilst you wait to take off, it's brilliant. 

Kuala Lumpur Airport is very flash, it has a huge mall attached and every type of food outlet you can imagine and if we didn't have a bus to catch to the city I could have spent hours exploring it. The bus takes an hour and drops us off at KL Sentral station where we get a monorail to Tittiwangsa (cue giggles from you) where our hostel is. We forgot to mention our late check in to the guy (it's 10.30pm now) and we have a nervous 5 minutes ringing the bell and contemplating sleeping in the hall but he wakes and shows us to our basic room but it's cool and clean and only £10.

Day 94

We were going to have a lie in but get woken up at 7am by a noise at the window, I gingerly pull back the curtains to find a bright green and orange bird tapping the window! So cool. We've heard a rumour there's a rainforest in the centre of the city so our first port of call after breakfast. 

It's only a couple of stops on the monorail and we arrive in a very thick forest, apparently with a few monkeys inside. Now we made a silly error here and forgot to put on insect repellent, if you ever want to explore the KL forest remember it as I managed to get nibbled alive in the short few hours we explored here. You're all right when you're walking, it's standing still for any amount of time, I swear there was about 10-15 Mosquitos on me at any one time. 

Sadly we don't spot any monkeys but we do find a cool sky walk and get some good snaps. It's so frigging hot though and it's not long before we have to make our way to somewhere cooler and Ben has to change his t-shirt. We walk towards the Petronas towers, the tallest building in KL and something to have see for miles around and slip in to a very expensive but air conned mall and wander around cooling down and looking at things we can't afford. We've got a challenge on for who can buy the cheapest outfit for my birthday in Langkawi but we aren't going to find anything here. We are also getting hungry.

I forgot to bring a map out with me so we wander aimlessly for a little while before I spot a metro and realise we are near a good place that Ben's brother Tom recommended. He said look for a red door and we spot a red escalator and give it a go. Oh it was amazing, we grab some sushi which was so scrummy and got some food to make in the hostel for the next few days. We spend the rest of the afternoon window shopping, I want to buy it all the dress and Ben falls in love with a car. We treat ourselves to milkshake in this cool 50's style diner where the whole staff say hi to you when you walk in and they dance every so often. We get back just in time before the heavens open and spend the evening watching films.

Day 91 and 92: Blogs and Phnom Penh Again

Day 91

We decide with money a little tight (everything is a lot more expensive around the New Year) and our tans fading, that we will have a lazy day for our last in Siem Reap. We are up late and once filled on the delicious free breakfast we lounge by the pool, sunbathing and swimming till about 1pm. Bliss.

After we hit our sun limit, we go inside and I spend s huge chunk of this afternoon writing up my panic attack experience in Otres. It was quite hard to write but was actually therapeutic as I got to see the experience as a story that I was telling and not a memory I was reliving. I'd recommend it. The response from everyone has been fantastic from it and I want to say thank you, I hope it came across well and that mental health problems don't have to rule or ruin you. 

We look into going back to temple explore at sun set but we couldn't justify the $20 for the short trip so grab some more of that delicious Italian food but don't seem to move in time and get sucked into a carb coma, but with pasta that good, who cares.

Day 92

We're up nice and early as our bus leaves for Phnom Phen at 8.45am. After a bit of a slow half hour trying to pay up (I think everyone was out partying last night) we leave and at our bus station. I'm a little apprehensive about this trip as the last few we've had haven't been great (no air con first and the fish second) but it was brilliant! It's a big coach with lovely air con and strong wi fi, it also comes with a free drink and snack! You heard right, a snack of a fresh Danish pastry, so good. 

We stop for lunch and then suddenly we are in Phnom Penh, the time has flown by. We get a dodgy tuk tuk driver who takes us the long way around and realise we know he has when we tell him we've been in the city before. He's an idiot really as we would have used him for the airport run tomorrow, plonker. The hotel is so lovely, it's got big ceilings, a warm shower and a Snickers filled mini bar, there is also a pool downstairs. We spend the evening booking Malaysia (well actually just trying to work out where we want to go) and then Khmer curry for dinner, nom. 

Day 89 and 90: Angkor, Bats and Flour

Day 89

The alarm beeps at 4.30am and getting up this early is painful but has to be done to see the temples at their most magical. We are downstairs pretty quick and our driver is early which is nice, and the hotel have made us a breakfast to take with us of simple but well needed, boiled eggs and fruit.

The rides about 20 minutes and the sky is starting to lighten, very slowly, as we pull up in front of the Angkor temple. We decide to watch the sun rise from the bridge which was quiet quiet and we got some great shots, it was so peaceful, I kind of got lost in it. Once the sun is nearly up, we make our way inside, taking in all the beautiful architecture and stone murals on the ways. We walk about, taking all the outside in for about an hour and a half before we make our way into the inner temple, which is apparently the best bit. We have to wait a bit for it to open but it was cool and a perfect time to devour our breakfast. The queue starts to get really long and we contemplate not going in as the wait looked huge but it moved quick. I'm so glad we stuck it out, it was beautiful and cool and the views across the park was really something. We'd said to our tuk tuk man that we would be back at 8.30 so we make our way back to meet him.

Next on the itinerary is the Bayon which is inside Angkor Thom and through the very pretty south gate. The Bayon is the one of the most recognisable temples with its large faces and it's pretty impressive inside if not a bit haphazard as it was built and added on to as so many different times. I love the way the bricks seem all different sizes and the temples seem to be held up by weight tricks and not a lot else. Ben gets loads of snaps and I get a bit ogled. The top level is busy but the lower down one is dead and we get to sit down and take it all in. Our driver is meeting us at the Leper King Terrace which is the other side of Bayon, past the Elephant Terrace so we begin walking that was but ad it's Khemer New Year the place is filled with stalls which are closed at the exact time we need to walk through them as the Prime Minister was just about to arrive to check it all out. It meant moving was really difficult and we can't seem to make our way across. We do spot the Suor Prat towers which are near empty so we got explore and I can help think it looks a little bit like an angry birds set.

At this point Ben's stomach reminds us it's not happy and he rushes off to a portaloo (there are some blessings of it being a festival site). This little detour does mean we manage to sneak into the Elephant Terrace and the Leper Kong shots before meeting up with our tuk tuk man. We cut our tour short for today because of Ben's stomach problems but we get taken back a really cool route which we are dying to explore tomorrow.

We hang out at the pool for a bit before heading into town for some food and an explore. We grab some food from the Blue Pumpkin which was a bakery we ate at in Phnom Penh, it instantly upsets my stomach though and we rename in Blue Pookin as we now suspect it might have has a part to play in my initial food poisoning, grr.

We've heard a rumour that at sun set, at the Palace Gardens, a swarm of huge bats leave the trees, which we couldn't miss. As we walked up with had our eyes trained up but couldn't see any flying creatures and then suddenly the ground started to smell like the zoo and we approach a set of trees that were literally full of them I mean easily 200-300 it was amazing. We had about 2 hours till full sun down so we sat on the grass and watching them flying in and out of the trees in preparation. It was so cool.

Music was being sound checked as we were sitting and once the sun was down we decided to go explore where it's coming from as its New Years it's got to be something a bit fun. Turns out it's a Leo Beer sponsored concert that although the music was awed up and we couldn't understand any of the jokes, we did get a set of very snazzy hats which we won in a darts thing. We were trying to win a helmet but you can't have everything. I'm waning at this point and Ben's showing signs of the 4am start so home we go.

Day 90

We have a lovely lay in this morning and get all organise with booking our Kuala Lumpar before setting off back to Angkor, today to find Ta Phrom, the temple which is all over grown. Our tuk tuk man isn't too impressed with the idea of taking us and I kinda understand why when I see the traffic. It's grid lock and most of the way in, and all the sides are filled with family's picnicking and partying, it's such a cool atmosphere.

Once there, we start on the long stretch up to the temple which seems to appear out of the trees. It's amazing to see what happens when when its nature vs man and nature wins. The trees are growing out of the temple as seeds drop into the cracks and the roots force their way through the stone to ground. It's fine when the tree is living as it still supports the building but as soon as it does or gets blown over in a storm the rock goes too and seemingly half the building as well. 

Part of the conservation project here is rebuilding these fallen sections and it's really awesome to walk through the corridors how they should have been. We stay here for about 2 hours, exploring the ruins and temple as there's no ropes to stop you and it's got to be one of my favourite parts of the Angkor complex so far.

Next we head 10 minutes down the road to Banteay Kdei which is another temple where the trees have taken over but it's actually in a better condition than Ta Phrom. Some of the wall carvings are really beautiful and a lot of the arch ways are still intact. I grab some presents on the way out and we admire the gateway before heading back as the heats getting a bit crazy. 

We eat and cool down at the hotel before heading out at 7pm to explore the city a bit more and we get a tuk tuk to the main area, to a bar Ben wants to check out. It's really relaxed and we say sipping drinks till our stomachs demand feeding and we head further in and find an Italian place right next to all the noise of pub street. The food is so good and I'm about to fall into a food coma when we notice a cloud of familiar smelling stuff, creeping over. We head towards the music and realise one of the customs we had heard about Khmer New Year was true. In Thailand they like to throw water, here in Cambodia it's baby powder and it's hanging like a haze over the centre. We thought we could get away without being ghosted but slipping down a side street, a young guy comes up to us shaking his head, we trying and protest but he's adamant and we get our cheeks covered, after that we decide if you can't beat them join them and we get stuck in the throng and completely covered! It was such a fun atmosphere, with about 1000 or so people covered in talc and dancing in the street to bad dance music, how can you not have fun in that!

Day 87 and 88: Leaving the beach and Siem Reap

Day 87

Today we are finally leaving the beach and I've got mixed feelings about it, yeah we were  sick for most of it and I had my self shook by the time hear but it really is beautiful, my tan is now pretty spectacular and who can love sun, sand and shrimp?

We aren't leaving till tonight as we are on the night bus to Siem Reap so the plan is to get as much sun bathing is as we can and as soon as we're packed up we head straight to Elephant Paradise and set up camp on their sun loungers. We get a good few hours in till an ominous cloud appears and we get in early this time, setting ourselves up on some comfy sofas as the heavens open. Definitely time to leave. We waste the afternoon playing cards, chess and eating their delicious food until we go and get our bags and get a tuk tuk into Snooky to catch the bus.

We arrive about an hour before bus should leave but we are let on within 5 minutes and it's brilliant! We are in the first pod in the floor and it consists on a 3/4 bed, power plugs, pillows and curtains blocking you off from the rest of the bus. It is missing a curtain n the window but we don't mind as its dark. The bus begins to fill up and the Cambodians are no different to any other Asian country and the pods that should fill 2 suddenly have 6 and a pile of bags in one corner. They also start to fill up the corridor with people, it's New Year here and everyone either goes home or goes to Siem Reap so they are cashing in on all the space they can find. We don't really mind until the family across from us bring a box of raw fish on and the people in the corridors start leaning on Ben, maybe being in the first bed wasn't as good as we thought.

Day 88

Turns out we can't turn our air con off either and it's unbearably cold so I can to improvise with a pair of fluffy socks but I do sleep quite a bit and you really can't beat lying down on public transport. The bus stops a lot for wee and cigarette breaks so it means we arrive 3 1/2 hours later than planned but Siem Reap is a brilliantly temperature and at least we are away from the fish, or so we thought. We grab a tuk tuk to our hotel which is the other side of town when we both realise the fish smell is following us and a quick check later we realise both our bags are damp. Turns out the raw fish wasn't just in the main bus, it was also in the baggage container underneath and it's leaked, urg!! Lucky for us our next place does laundry and has a balcony area so we can wash and dry out our bags, it's not the only good thing about the place, the rooms are huge, the owners lovely (a quite excitable English guy and his lovely Cambodian wife) and there's a pool! So you can guess where we spent the afternoon.

Our main plan for Siem Reap is to see the temples at Angkor and we are going to do a sun rise there tomorrow but there is a nifty little way to get a free sun set viewing what doesn't include on your 3 day pass. If you arrive at the ticket office at 4.45 you can buy a ticket for the next day but they allow you in to the park with it that night. So we get a tuk tuk and join the queues to get our tickets and make our way into the park. Angkor has been somewhere I've been longing to see for a long time and my excitement grows as we drive closer to the park. As its Khmer New Year the place is rammed with people, stages and stalls and has a real festival feel to it and I'm so engrossed in watching the crowds of food sellers and family's that the Angkor Wat temple appears out of nowhere and I'm taken back, it's everything I imagined and more with its imposing stone walls creeping out of the forest. I'm in love.

We aren't going their tonight as our driver recommends Phnom Bakheng as better sun set views, it's a little temple in between Angkor Wat and Angkor Thom up as steep hill that gives fantastic views over the TonleSap river which the sun setting behind it and up on the top of the pyramid shape temple, a view of a hidden Angkor Wat in the distant. I'm a bit entranced by it all and as we wander keep oohing and aahing at the faded carvings and haphazardness of the stones. It's full of people all determined to get the perfect photo that I think half of them miss the majesty of the place. We do join the throng though and get some great snaps before making our way back to rest up for our 5am start tomorrow.

Day 85 and 86: Pappa Poopies and Cards

Day 85

We wake up at our usual 7am and the music is still going. It finally finishes at 8.30 and I'm jealous of their stamina. Within half hour of waking up, it's obvious we won't be moving to far from the room as we both are fighting for the toilet and we've decide to rename the restaurant Pappa Poopies. We blog though and I come up with elaborate plans for What's your tale, Nightingale? once we're back.

We do manage to make it out for lunch though and we find a brilliant place called Elephant Paradise. It was brilliant for 2 reasons: the first, it had jacket potato which has been one of my constant cravings and the second, they finish the meal by giving you a iced flannel, similar to the hot lemon ones you get but a million times better in the days sticky 35c heat. It's the little things.

Day 86

After a might of ups and downs, I'm feeling better but sadly Ben's not and it looks like another day very near a bathroom. I'm looking forward to when we are both well again. We are getting lots done and I've made myself a nice lot of to do lists to ponder and never complete. I need my fix so we grab some shrimp for lunch and it's the first time since Phnom Penh 13 days ago, that I've finish a full meal, yay for me. Not so much for Ben. We venture out for a little beach walk and a sit by the river but Ben had to quickly head back to the hotel and after a half hour wait it's obviously he's not coming back so I follow him. We do learn a new card game though, Chinese 10, I'd recommend. 

Day 83 and 84: Moving again and Not Alot Else

Day 83

We both hardly sleep as the heat didn't drop all night, we tried sleeping out in our balcony but we got nibbled so we had to doze fitfully under the mosquito net. We both wake up at 5.30 after an hour or so sleep, very groggy but on a positive note, I didn't feel anxious at all in the night! So although we were in a beachside cabin, all made of straw and the toilet isn't completely critter proof, the fear hasn't returned. I think I'm on the mend :) we do decide however to leave the place as it's just too darn hot and we find a hotel just up from us that's concrete to quell my fear and cool so Ben can sleep.

Once we've checked in, we go off down Otres 1 to find a man about flyboarding. It looks a little like hoover boarding but with water and looks so cool. It's a bit of a long walk but we love going along Long Beach and walking on the sand. It's a bit wasted though as the guy says the jet ski isn't working and to come back tomorrow. The walk mixed with the lack of sleep has killed us so we grab a lime juice to cool and play some pool 1-0 to Ben (his lucky table) (38-26) before heading back to have a night of slobbing out with some films and a well needed early night.

Day 84

Oh that was such a good night sleep, being cooler makes such a difference. We grab some food before packing our little adventure bag for flyboarding. After a hot 30 minute walk, we arrive to find the guy not there and when someone finally wakes him up (he sleeps at his fly board hut) he says the jet ski is still broken as his friend (not him obviously) is lazy and hasn't fixed it so to come back tomorrow. We don't hold out much hope though.

The beach here is lovely and quite quiet so we jump in the sea for a swim, it's all going swimmingly (see what I did there) when 2 jelly fish puff through in between us and we freak out like girls and get out. Shrimps for lunch which is so good as I've missed my crustation fix whilst I've been ill then more pool and another 1-0 to Ben (39-26), I think he's stealing my talent.

We go back to cool our sun kissed faces before heading out to Pappa Pippos for dinner, which was the first place we stayed and where all the problems started. I'm a little nervous about going back but remember the food being really nice and my stomach always wins over my head so imagine my disappointment when the food was actually pants and so was the music (same as last week). We lounge for a bit but I can't really relax so we grab a tuk tuk back, I'm glad we went though even if it was just to test out a fear. We aren't back for half hour when a bassy but dull to us music starts and we realise all the rumours of all night party down at Otres 2 were true, it's not too loud though and doesn't ruin our night of watching Kenny vs Spenny on YouTube. 

Day 81 and 82: Rain and Beach Cabins

Day 81

We're both pretty crispy today so decide against sunbathing today which worked out well as the clouds started to cover as we left the hotel. We wander into town after spending the morning blogging and get some snacks for our movie night tonight. We grab some lunch on the beach and I venture away from plain rice for the first time in a few days and get some pineapple and veg and it's so nice to have something with flavour. More pool, and this table is turning out to be quite lucky for him and he wins 2-1 (35-26). 

Now we aren't going to Koh Rong, we've decide to spend the few extra days in Shanti (the huts on stilts) and then get an overnight bus to Siem Reap and we grab the tickets for this after the pool game, we've paid a little extra for a hotel bus which if it lives up to its hype will mean we have a little double cabin to ourselves and the best way we've travelled.

We're near Blame Canada so we pop in for a drink when we see a huge rain cloud coming and naively think "Ah that won't be a long shower" You can tell we've not experience an Asian rain yet. 5 minutes the heavens open and the bar leaks. We squidgy ourselves up with the 10 other idiots who stayed out and try and wait it out, after 40 minutes we get bored and try and grab a tuk tuk but everyone else has had the same idea and there's none about, so we dive across to another bar where it turns out the bar mans off his head and absolutely crazy, his way of warning someone to not out their feet on the bar is to slam a meat cleaver down next to their toys. That and the rats coming in to also shelter from the rain make me uneasy, sod the rain I think and I drag Ben outside to flag down a tuk tuk who puts his sides down for us, aww.

It doesn't really stop raining all night but we don't mind as its amok for dinner again and it's the first I can properly enjoy. You might think it's so boring we've had the same dish so much but really is so tasty. Then it's movie night, we got for the brilliantly cheesy Knights Tale and devour two bags of skittles, this is the life.

Day 82

We are leaving our Nice Dream today to go off to our 3rd and hopefully final, accommodation, Shanti. Ben's so excited and it does look beautiful but it's the first test of my beach/hut/rat fear and I'm a little apprehensive. The thing about panic attacks is that they don't finish when the initial attack is over, much like breaking your leg or having flu it takes a little while to heal and sometimes you can even feel almost better for a little while before going downhill again. I am determined this one we won't be one of those occasions though.

We dump our bags, put down the mosquito and sink our feet into the sand, bliss. We spend the afternoon blogging and eating their yummy salads and talking through when I feel jittery. The beach has definitely reopened my fear of the night and the toilet (this one has a little concrete but still a shack and a bit away from the room) but Ben's brilliant and listens to my worries, he even offers to forgo this beautiful place if it would make me feel better but deep down I know I can overcome this. He spends the afternoon distracting me with games of cheese and then long walks down a new secluded beach we find till he spots his arch nemesis the sea urchin and we head back to capture the sun set.

As it gets darker my anxiousness from earlier heightens as I know the little critters like the dark. Distractions see to be the key so we go off in search of a pool table and find a tiny one which I find impossible to play on and Ben wins both (37-26) and I download some books. The closeness to the beach and the amount of dark spaces in the restaurant mean I'm too anxious to eat, we are also walking back long the beach which in my head is going to be teaming with rats and I almost bottle the walk back but Ben's brought a torch and grabs my hand. I need to keep pushing myself if I'm going to get past this so I follow him and you know what? It was fine, no animals and no need to be worried. A weight lifts off me again and I know I've first one of my first hurdles.

We get back to our little cabin expecting it to be cool as the beach but it's unbearably hot, and even with all the shutters up we can't get any breeze to come through, looks like we are in for a long night.

Day 79 and 80: Moving, Sick, Better and Beach

Day 79

I don't go back to sleep after our little night time visitor and when Ben wakes up at 7, I let him know about our guest and he's up packing faster than I am and we start searching for somewhere new. Knowing I'll need somewhere I can almost guarantee will be rat proof, we opt for a concrete walled villa just a little way out from the beach called Nice Dreams and I hope I'll have some.

We check out without any fuss even though it was 3 days early and grab a tuk tuk. We have to sacrifice the closeness to the beach for the concrete, air conned heaven but it's about a 5 minute walk and it takes you right out on Long Beach. As soon as we drop our bags, I feel a massive weight lift off my shoulders and I feel safe. 

We wander into town to grab some food and we have our first taste of Amok, the delicious Cambodia curry. Ben orders a bowl and with the few nibbles I have I know we will be having this again, it's coconut and lemon-grass based and delicious. We get a game of pool in (33-25) and then head off down the beach for a sun bathe and a swim and I feel so relaxed I nearly fall asleep. After a few hours though, I get a familiar rumble in my stomach and suddenly the idea to have a bowl of chips for lunch wasn't the best idea. We manage to get back to before I spewed but I don't have that luck for the rest of the evening and can't seem to move without needing to go. I'm fed up of being sick now so do a bit of research at what settles down stomach and luckily after a very cautious drink of ginger tea and some plain rice I seem to be better, progress!

Day 80

I slept well last night with only a few little niggles and I feel so much better today, I even manage some bread and ginger tea for breakfast. We're going in a day trip to Koh Rong today to see if it's somewhere we want to stay on our beach tour as we have heard very good things. The bus to the ferry is picking us up from the old place so we have a quick stroll and we turn up just as our bus is arriving, good timing

It collects a few more people (and one poor girl who thinks its a bus to Kampot) and we arrive at the pier, with our boat also waiting, very good timing. It's cost us $5 each, each way and it's a slow boat so we have 2 hours to kill until we arrive on the paradise of Koh Rong. The boat docks and we excitedly make our way down the pier to a complete anti climax. The first thing you see is an over crowded strip that's dirty and loud, we wander to get some food and see if we can find why this place is so recommended. The meal does nothing to improve our view so we head to the beach and the crystal clear waters. The water was beautiful and slightly cooler which was lovely and we played in the sea till it was tan topping up time. I only lasted 8 minutes though as I was constantly being bitten by sand flies and at 14 bites I gave up. There's no way we want to leave our lovely Otres for this, even for the beautiful sea and sand. 

We only had 4 hours on the island and sadly it couldn't finish quick enough. For the last 45 minutes we bags ourselves some cushions on the top deck and sun bathe until the boat leaves. The 2 hour trip back went quite fast as we slept and I cloud watched to pass the time. We've managed to make ourselves quite crispy so we go back to the hotel for dinner, Amok.....drool and I'm asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Day 77 and 78: A Panic Attack Whilst Travelling

Day 77

We are both unsurprisingly shattered today and just mooch, whilst I try to get some food and water inside me. We speak to the manager in the morning and they apologise but say sadly, being on the beach, there isn't much they can do about the rats but they will put a trap down and me and Ben both think it's a fair response. 

I'm feeling a little better in the day but as the afternoon draws to an end and I start to retell the story to Amy, the full upset of last night hits me and I start to feel really uncomfortable and anxious about the night, I don't want to be ill again as I really don't want to spend the evening with our "guests" There's music in the restaurant tonight so I try and forget all about my worries and enjoy the ukulele lady and I do manage to fall asleep but unfortunately it was outside and when I do finally get in the room, I'm wide awake and feeling worse and I spend the feeling sick and anxious.

Day 78

After another bad night, my survival technique of "doing" kicked in and today my aim is to get things done to distract myself. We need to find an ATM as nowhere seems to take card here and we spot one next to a little shop that's full of skittles, beats audio head phones and hammocks. The little adventurer eyes widen at the last one and he is the now the proud owner of a swinging bed, though I'm not sure he's going to be able to use it. We grab a drink of some refreshing lime juice before setting off on the long but beautiful walk from Otres 1 to Otres 2, along the aptly named Long Beach. The walk is about 4 km along a white sand, warm water beach with nothing on, no huts or shop or even people, bliss.

Otres 2 is smaller but similar to Otres 1 with bars and huts on the beach, we walk a little further down and spot Shanti and for the second time today I see Ben's adventurer eyes light up. This accommodation is not only right on the beach but it is also tree houses on stilts with no sides and just a bed looking out to the sea, Ben's in love :D so we get some details so we can book a room for a few days time after we work out a plan for where we want to be for our time on the beaches.

We walk back after our Shanti find, stopping a few times to catch the rays on the empty sands. Once we're back, Ben fancies a walk to the bar where we won our vouchers, Blame Canada and its a short walk up the beach, its got a pool table and I win both, woohoo (32-25) and we sit down to watch a very beautiful sunset (no camera though).

It's as it gets dark though that I get a familiar feeling of my insides churning and I realise that the feeling of sickness in my stomach isn't a stomach bug anymore and that I'm having a panic attack.

I'll give a little background here as I think it's needed to full understand what was going on. It's not something I share with many people but in my early and then late teens I struggled quite a lot with panic attacks and anxiety, a condition which I managed to over come with the help of family, some medication and a bit of counselling (CBT). I have been attack free for over 6 years now and thought I had a very good early warning system to stop anything escalating into the uncontrollable so it came as a quite surprise when I realised what was happening. For those of you who have never suffered from panic attacks, it might be a hard thing to understand, they are different for different people but mine means I lose all control in my head to regulate thoughts as being rational and irrational and have no way of stopping anything that is happening to me. It manifests as physical symptoms as sickness, shaking, chest pains and the urge to run/cry uncontrollably.

As I had no idea it was coming on and as Ben had never seen me have one (we've been together just over 5 years) he struggled initially to understand what was happening to me, being not convinced it was as serious as it was. He knew he had to take control and make the decisions as I was becoming unable to but didn't know how far that reached as I still seemed to have rational thought (earlier he had asked me if I wanted to check out, and I had said no (?!) even when deep down, it was all I wanted to do). As we sat, I jumped from wanting to stay out, to dry retching, to needing to be back in the room, swinging from each of them in 10 second intervals, no wonder Ben has no idea how to deal with it. 

Knowing taking me back to room was what was causing me the fear but also seeing that I was just getting much worse sitting in the bar, he took the decision to take me back which terrified and calmed me in equal measures. The fear rose quickly as we walked and I was sick twice on the beach as the feeling completely overcame me. By the time we were back in the room, I was having a full scale attack and sobbing uncontrollably as I had no idea how to stop what was happening. Ben planted me on the bed and propped open the door to the bathroom, leaving the light on and came back, wrapping his arms around me. "We are going to face this together, I love you, nothings going to hurt you, you're going to be okay" His plan was to make me confront what was scaring me so much (the toilet and using it) but in a safe way, by sitting on the bed, up from the floor and watching films to escape the world. 

Ben goes and sits outside at this point whilst I watch hours of films, for what I think it as well deserved "What the fuck" breather but what he is actually doing, as he just amazing, was sifting through forum after website of how to deal with panic attacks in someone you love. He spent hours doing this, taking it all and when we spoke about it the follow day, completely understanding what it was that I was feeling and how perfectly to deal with me. I don't think anyone has ever done for me anything so kind as that and I will be eternally in awe of his ability to understand and care for me.

I finally fall asleep whilst rewatching Fantasic Mr Fox, though I wake at about 4.30 when I hear our little guest in our room and it's then I finally decide we aren't staying here any longer.

We've talked a lot about whether I should include this in my blog as I'm kind of bearing myself open which I'm not keen on doing with my mental health. It's just not something I see as a big deal and everyone needing to know about, but as it played such a big part in this section of our trip and meant so much to me that Ben did all that he did, I thought it was important to talk about it. It has set me back a little and I'm still dealing with the after effects but we have a plan of action that seems to be working well and all things happen for a reason. It made me realise what an incredible person Ben is and I hope that it also means I'm a little wiser about myself.

Day 75 and 76: Buses and Rats

Day 75

I'm still up for most of the night but I do sleep better so I feel a tiny bit more human today. We grab a quick breakfast before getting on the bus to Sihanoukville. Sadly the air con has broken and we both over heat but at least I don't need the toilet every 30 minutes (Thank god for immodiem) and 6 hours later we arrive in Snooky. We aren't staying here as we've heard its a bit trashy so we grab a tuk tuk for the 10 minute drive to the peaceful and beautiful Otres beach. Our place we are staying is amazing, it's just 10 metres from our bed to the sea and the restaurant is run by an Italian family and does the most amazing food. Once we've been fed, we take a dip and the water here is bath like warm, bliss I think I could stay here for ever. 

I'm still feeling a little peaky but we grab some dinner before joining in with the weekly quiz night. We come a fabulous last (I'm blaming the illness) but it meant we got the booby prize, 7 free beers at a bar down the road, win! The temperature is perfect and with the sound of the waves and last few days, I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. 

Day 76

Ben's all good this morning and wakes up early go get some sun rise pictures bit I stay fast asleep, as you can see.

Once I do finally rise from my slumber, we run straight to the sea and its bliss. The restaurant doesn't open till 9.30 so we can't have breakfast straight away so I grab the laptop and do some work whilst Ben relaxes on the beach. It isn't long though before we are jump on my hawkers, Ben has a bracelet girl whilst I get a lady offering manicures, which I don't want but I do get her to take off my nail varnish from Vietnam. She's angling for some more work and takes one look at my slightly unkept legs and see hers opportunity.

"Your legs, I thread them"

"Urm..."

"It will last so long and be so nice"

So I experience I rather painful hour where she uses thread to tweeze each single hair out, ouch (it does last though, I'm still hair free 10 days later)

After this, it's finally breakfast time and although I can't eat loads it's so very tasty. Ben's not feeling great so we use this as an excuse to lounge at our cabin and sunbathe all day. As the evening draws in we carry on our chess championship and munch away on yummy pizza. This is sadly when it all starts going a bit downhill, the pizza was obviously a bit too much for me and I start needing to be very close to a toilet again, I also start being sick again and I can see I'm in for the long haul. The situation gets even better when I notice a big, thick rat tail coming under the wall of our straw and wood cabin (Did I say i really don't like rats?) I finish as fast as one can with a stomach upset and cower behind Ben. He plays manly man and hits it with a broom but as it moves a squeak battle starts behind the wall and suddenly a smaller one rushes across the floor of the room, we had obviously disturbed more that one. Ben comes to the rescue again and tries to hit it with a broom but misses. 

He stands guard whilst I go let the manager know but there is only restaurant staff on tonight and they don't really get it. One guy comes in and bangs the walls and says "All gone" but doesn't do anything to guard from them coming back. We have to spend the rest of the night with the door stringed shut (it wouldn't close on its own) with me being sick into a bin in the room unless the inevitable happened and I need the toilet, where Ben would stand at the door with the broom guarding me, who says romance is dead. 

Day 73 and 74: Humbled and Sick

Day 73

We get woken up this morning by crashing and banging and the heat in the room is only getting worse so we are out quite early and find a bakery to have some breakfast. I get a little over excited at the thought of pastry and order a Danish, a croissant and some yoghurt, so yummy. We stay for a while in the air conditioned loveliness before we head out to meet our tuk tuk man. He's early so we leave as soon as we are back and start on the 25 minute ride out of the city to the killing fields. It's so interesting to see the crazy world of Cambodia, I can't look away and the time flies by. 

Once we arrive, we grab an audio guide which is so well done and included in the price and I would really recommend getting it as it gives a lot more details as you go around. I think it would be impossible for me to ever convert the horror I felt walking around the site as however I try to write it, it sounds shallow and fake but it truly is horrific beyond words. As you wander, underfoot you spot teeth, bone and scraps of clothing that keep washing up , despite the best efforts of the volunteers, in rains like last night. You see pits and trees the victims where killed against and thrown into and you hear stories of mothers having to watch their children and babies being killed in front of them before being shot themselves. It begs belief that any human can do these things to another especially from the same country, all in the name of Utopia. It might sound voyeuristic to some of you that me and Ben would want to go and see something so brutal but sometimes to truly understand how horrible something is, it has to be thrust in your face, even very tastefully like this, for it to sink it at all. 

The site is really well laid out and looked after, the volunteers go out each day and carefully lay to rest any bones and bits that are found and there is a beautiful memorial stupa in the centre, which you pass as you go in and on the way out where you can pay your respects. We sit silent on the way back, both a bit shocked and dumbfounded by what we have seen, when we do find the words, they are ones of anger and upset and I hope that pain stays with us forever so we never forget.

We make our way to the prison after this but it's all too much to process with where we have spent our morning so we sit quietly on a bench on the edge and then get John to drop us in town for some lunch. I'm not feeling too great, I've got these aching stomach cramps that I can't shift but I don't want to be a moaner all the time so I don't mention it and we trek on, watching the F1 and sitting by the river till the night market, where I grab the playsuit I had my eye on yesterday. Ben's told he's too sweaty to try anything on so we make our way back. I still don't feel right and after dinner, the pains get worse, turning into sickness and diarrhoea I can't shift all night, urg :( 

Day 74

I spent so much of last nigh awake and on the toilet, I feel drained in more ways than one. There isn't going to be much going on today so we walk to a cafe that we loved in Laos called Joma and I manage a little food but the cramps and all else are still here. We play chess, read our books and mooch until lunch. Ben does she bit of research a finds a cinema nearby and that nearly always cheers us up so we grab a tuk tuk to a lovely air conned mall. I'm still struggling with the pain and the need to be near a toilet but it's so nice being cool and we grab tickets for Chappie. We've got an hour and a half to kill and I found just the way to...Karoke! I drag Ben into one of the booths and we belt out Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse of the a Heart amount other things (no Dolly though!) until I feel a bit rough and we think it's time for our film. Chappie is brilliant and I would recommend it to anyone who likes a dark comedy and Hugh Jackmen in shorts and a mullet. 

After the film, we have a break through and I feel a tiny bit peckish and we grab some utterly delicious fish and chips, perfectly salty for my turbulent yummy. Once back we pack as we leave for the beaches tomorrow and I hope I'll have a better night tonight.