Day 77 and 78: A Panic Attack Whilst Travelling

Day 77

We are both unsurprisingly shattered today and just mooch, whilst I try to get some food and water inside me. We speak to the manager in the morning and they apologise but say sadly, being on the beach, there isn't much they can do about the rats but they will put a trap down and me and Ben both think it's a fair response. 

I'm feeling a little better in the day but as the afternoon draws to an end and I start to retell the story to Amy, the full upset of last night hits me and I start to feel really uncomfortable and anxious about the night, I don't want to be ill again as I really don't want to spend the evening with our "guests" There's music in the restaurant tonight so I try and forget all about my worries and enjoy the ukulele lady and I do manage to fall asleep but unfortunately it was outside and when I do finally get in the room, I'm wide awake and feeling worse and I spend the feeling sick and anxious.

Day 78

After another bad night, my survival technique of "doing" kicked in and today my aim is to get things done to distract myself. We need to find an ATM as nowhere seems to take card here and we spot one next to a little shop that's full of skittles, beats audio head phones and hammocks. The little adventurer eyes widen at the last one and he is the now the proud owner of a swinging bed, though I'm not sure he's going to be able to use it. We grab a drink of some refreshing lime juice before setting off on the long but beautiful walk from Otres 1 to Otres 2, along the aptly named Long Beach. The walk is about 4 km along a white sand, warm water beach with nothing on, no huts or shop or even people, bliss.

Otres 2 is smaller but similar to Otres 1 with bars and huts on the beach, we walk a little further down and spot Shanti and for the second time today I see Ben's adventurer eyes light up. This accommodation is not only right on the beach but it is also tree houses on stilts with no sides and just a bed looking out to the sea, Ben's in love :D so we get some details so we can book a room for a few days time after we work out a plan for where we want to be for our time on the beaches.

We walk back after our Shanti find, stopping a few times to catch the rays on the empty sands. Once we're back, Ben fancies a walk to the bar where we won our vouchers, Blame Canada and its a short walk up the beach, its got a pool table and I win both, woohoo (32-25) and we sit down to watch a very beautiful sunset (no camera though).

It's as it gets dark though that I get a familiar feeling of my insides churning and I realise that the feeling of sickness in my stomach isn't a stomach bug anymore and that I'm having a panic attack.

I'll give a little background here as I think it's needed to full understand what was going on. It's not something I share with many people but in my early and then late teens I struggled quite a lot with panic attacks and anxiety, a condition which I managed to over come with the help of family, some medication and a bit of counselling (CBT). I have been attack free for over 6 years now and thought I had a very good early warning system to stop anything escalating into the uncontrollable so it came as a quite surprise when I realised what was happening. For those of you who have never suffered from panic attacks, it might be a hard thing to understand, they are different for different people but mine means I lose all control in my head to regulate thoughts as being rational and irrational and have no way of stopping anything that is happening to me. It manifests as physical symptoms as sickness, shaking, chest pains and the urge to run/cry uncontrollably.

As I had no idea it was coming on and as Ben had never seen me have one (we've been together just over 5 years) he struggled initially to understand what was happening to me, being not convinced it was as serious as it was. He knew he had to take control and make the decisions as I was becoming unable to but didn't know how far that reached as I still seemed to have rational thought (earlier he had asked me if I wanted to check out, and I had said no (?!) even when deep down, it was all I wanted to do). As we sat, I jumped from wanting to stay out, to dry retching, to needing to be back in the room, swinging from each of them in 10 second intervals, no wonder Ben has no idea how to deal with it. 

Knowing taking me back to room was what was causing me the fear but also seeing that I was just getting much worse sitting in the bar, he took the decision to take me back which terrified and calmed me in equal measures. The fear rose quickly as we walked and I was sick twice on the beach as the feeling completely overcame me. By the time we were back in the room, I was having a full scale attack and sobbing uncontrollably as I had no idea how to stop what was happening. Ben planted me on the bed and propped open the door to the bathroom, leaving the light on and came back, wrapping his arms around me. "We are going to face this together, I love you, nothings going to hurt you, you're going to be okay" His plan was to make me confront what was scaring me so much (the toilet and using it) but in a safe way, by sitting on the bed, up from the floor and watching films to escape the world. 

Ben goes and sits outside at this point whilst I watch hours of films, for what I think it as well deserved "What the fuck" breather but what he is actually doing, as he just amazing, was sifting through forum after website of how to deal with panic attacks in someone you love. He spent hours doing this, taking it all and when we spoke about it the follow day, completely understanding what it was that I was feeling and how perfectly to deal with me. I don't think anyone has ever done for me anything so kind as that and I will be eternally in awe of his ability to understand and care for me.

I finally fall asleep whilst rewatching Fantasic Mr Fox, though I wake at about 4.30 when I hear our little guest in our room and it's then I finally decide we aren't staying here any longer.

We've talked a lot about whether I should include this in my blog as I'm kind of bearing myself open which I'm not keen on doing with my mental health. It's just not something I see as a big deal and everyone needing to know about, but as it played such a big part in this section of our trip and meant so much to me that Ben did all that he did, I thought it was important to talk about it. It has set me back a little and I'm still dealing with the after effects but we have a plan of action that seems to be working well and all things happen for a reason. It made me realise what an incredible person Ben is and I hope that it also means I'm a little wiser about myself.